It's been one week. One week tomorrow since my arrival in Prairie View. One week since I found myself concealed from confinement and a space which was once filled with peace, brimful -ness, and companionship. Since then, I have been swamped and flooded in isolation, loneliness, and uncertainty. I’m unclear on if this was the right decision for me. The feeling of isolation and lonesomeness was not deprived on purpose like before which was done to find myself, to bring security in my own space, to bring peace and comfortability within my own identity. My persona.
Being alone this way has opened my eyes into the life of those who once surrounded me. At SU I had a group, friends, acquaintances, social media percepts; a society. There was not a day I walked on campus and did not run into a friendly face be it peer, faculty, or steward.
It was home, it was comfortable, but it couldn’t be forever.
When I arrived at SU I was already clicked up with friends I met over the summer through twitter and our daily group texts/facetimes. Once on campus we went everywhere and did everything together for 2 years. I experienced the best of times and worst with them and to arrive somewhere new, those relationships I once had don’t account for much other than a reminder of what I once had.
Many times, we would joke about how deep we must have appeared when going places and now as an outsider with an altered perspective while viewing bonds I am all so familiar with, I am someone who wants to have those same experiences and Intellectual encounters. Not necessarily in a gratifying manner, but in a witty and lively way. I’m not bursting with eagerness nor will I force a piece to fit that does not belong, but to find normalcy in an abnormal world would be.. nice.
Aside from my new normal I've come to grasp the understanding in shared time. Through my hour of being alone, I find myself wanting some form of attention. Attention from someone to remind me that I am still seen, still noticed, and still heard.
Through all this internalizing and work and healing I've made sure that the feelings of being needed and wanted were answered from within, that the time and effort I craved from others be internalized first.
I learned to listen to myself, to be honest and to understand my needs as well as decipher my wants. In this new arena of life, I'm finding it harder to listen and understand because I want to be seen, I don't want to fall into the invisible.
Growing up my ma used to always say “A lady is supposed to be seen not heard”, how "a lady's presence should always radiate in energy and conduct in eloquence; how her energy should always shift the room and follow wherever she may lead.”
My biggest fear of being here, somewhere new, where I’m not known and the aspect of me being seen is one not of eloquence, but of poison.
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