These last few weeks I have been engulfed in isolation and tied into these immense feelings which have been in broadcast over my life. From beating myself up over decisions and the responses I have made off of emotional impulse to suffering the consequences of their pure antipathetic results.
This location was meant to revamp and provide the beginning of adulthood and life. The work I did while in BR was supposed to fade and transition over, yet I find my schedule beyond hard to maintain, I find my interest in school fading and the comfort of my bed rising over max capacity. I am not necessarily running away from myself and my emotions but attempting to fast forward through this current pain and dejection. I do not mind being alone, I've grown accustomed to it over these last 7 months, I have grown so accustomed to it that I've begun to fuse while allowing the days to simply pass by. My bed has been my safe space yet the only time I find comfort is with the duvet firmly pulled and tucked over my head protecting me from the fear of my decisions and the potential consequences of my mistakes. Upon arrival everything felt fresh, neutral. And now things feel lumpy, uncertain, and rapid. My attempt to slow things down has only counter clocked and reversed all expectations. My grades are all within passing range, those have been maintained as A’s yet these past weeks may reduce the average percentage to a place I have just left.
Change is not hard, it's the uncertainty and stony path you must grow accustomed to while also maintaining faith in not just yourself, but in life as a whole.
Life itself is immense, the perspective of everything I once knew and believed has shifted, and it is shifted to the point where returning is further from possible.
At first, I was certain that it was a change which was hard, the first two weeks were filled with so much loneliness, uncertainty, and fear. So much pain, tears, and remorse. Through it all the mindset I had entering into this newfound challenge altered, but never faltered. The strength and walls I have built have begun to crumble and shatter and the emotions over my wants and needs have begun to swamp and haunt me through the thick and thin.
Many nights I laid learning to listen to my heart and not silence it and through this I have grown accustomed to every shrill, whisper, and in particular every pulse.
The emotions of regret, uncertainty, want, and love. The possibility that aside from success and motherhood the one thing I CRAVE is beyond reach. The way I find myself awake at night daydreaming of what ifs. Daydreaming of a distant life I crave with anticipation and deserving. One where I am not reminded of all that I gave up and sacrificed, but all that moved toward me with alignment. It is the daily reminder of this current season and its paid comfort that my journey may not be about love, but about me: my dreams, goals, and aspirations. The challenge I am faced with is being my own provider, knight, and twin flame. A season where I am challenged to be my own peace, my own savior, and my own safe space.
The continued defect to this challenge is the assortment of my own will, mind, and heart.
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