Emotional Empact

Dear Diary, 10/02/2022

This morning has been severed with nonstop emotional impact through thoughts and losses. Emotions based on the fact that sometimes the girl does not get the boy and that all she needs in life to be happy is contentment in herself, her energy, and all she has to offer.

Loving myself has been an easy thing to accomplish through these last few months and the automatic thought that once I reached a place of internal understanding that everything I had broadcast or manifested would follow. The toughest challenge through it all has not been necessarily about keeping faith, but in holding on to hope.

Hope to many is a form of eternal misery. Misery of time impacted illusion and in my case hope has slowly dwindled from faith tied to probing anxiety. Anxiety in myself, my capabilities and deservement.

I have held the expectation since the very start of this that once the work was done on the interior of my temple illused body, everything for me would form in alignment and advance forward. The idea that once habits became installed and alienation drilled boundaries accustomed to, all would connect and become in sync. Now it's the fear of past decisions and behavioral treatment being some form of karmatic response to this current interval. That due to my actions and treatment of others, I must first engage in consequence to forgive, understand, and proceed.

I have become stilled. I feel as if I am drowning and barely receiving enough oxygen to breathe while struggling to stay afloat. It is as if the day-to-day encounters serve as respirators and the moment I am left to be, the dread and anguish sweep into my life installed intravenous contacts.

This feeling of emotional quicksand grows intense with every passing day. Each day a new fight to stay afloat while experiencing dread, uncertainty, and loss.

The fight not to stay alive, but the fight to remain fear based and hopeful. Hopeful in piety, character, and ardor.