There was a moment this past week where I was overcome with the realization that at this tender age and stage in my life, I need to focus on myself and align my goals with my career. A realization that although I radiated confidence, it was not firmly installed and internally planted. I began talking to myself more in the mirror with a sleek and seductive attending, I began listening to more feminine and sexually appealing music. I began dancing in the mirror and allowing myself to relax and become coordinated with the rhythm and flow. Forcing myself to turn my mind off and allowing myself to get lost in the search of the feminine divinity I seek. I did this twice a day in the mirror with the goal to renounce it to a daily inner implantation.
I figured that I was fine and that all feelings and thoughts revolving around my outer appearance didn't hold much but a grain of salt due to the confidence I embraced.
Saturday, October 8 Prairie View played Southern University home which resulted in a much-needed debriefing and visit from my SU sis. Due to the intensity of the game we knew that the day ahead was measurable. The week prior to, we planned matching outfits, hers repping southern and mine repping PV. A cute intake of us supporting not only our teams and their appropriate schools, but us supporting ourselves and each other. There were two after parties taking place, we decided to attend the party on campus due to the pre-planned level of intoxication we would soon be submerged under. A morning of clothes making, hair and makeup, to the inclusion of fine and luxury accessories and fragrance. The decision to smoke was premeditated yet due to the time span, my tolerance was affected as was the effect it held onto me mentally.
This past week I spent surfacing my inner vibrance and aura yet in that moment of blurriness I found myself scrunching to hide myself. I heard the inner thoughts of “you're doing too much” and “you look so stupid” as well as so many other remarks and comments. I Immediately wanted to change. I wanted to submit and surrender to the inner thoughts telling me I was not enough. I felt myself word vomit and orally say,“I feel insecure”. A flat out and internally honest statement which now breaks my heart. The confidence I hold is not stable and I realized this in a moment where I should have felt the movements of cloud 9. This translated into small acts and movements throughout our time tailgating. Pulling my skirt down in fear of it being too short and being ridiculed and criticized through backlash and mockery.
It was not until half time began to seep through that I found myself becoming more In-tune with reality and not the matrix interfered reality we pronounce as life. I began to come down, and as I began to come down my soberness and confidence began to spill through. The prior mentality still holds bits of effect but it does not have a significant role as before.
It is in this that I see with 100% certainty that my present purpose in this moment's lifetime is to guide myself through this hallucination of life with love, care, and peace. A peace of mind to protect my purpose without the looks and comments provided by others, the care to withstand all things needed both physically and mentally, and the love I need/want for myself. A love that comforts and rises, a love which will alter and indulge in the deep depths regarding my shared reality and ability.
A moment of realization that the healing I have done alone accounts to surface level. Life is immense and deeper than the ocean in my eyes, and the depth one must overcome to stay afloat and surf is the same depth I must overcome to defeat any wall placed in my line of success. A wall blocking unlimited confidence, sensuality, stability, and tenacity. A wall which prevents me from reaching the things I require for a prominent future in which I know I entail.
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