There's many stages one enters into after heartbreak, after loss, termination, or any other general change.
I find myself secluded, isolated, and only with my inner-self. I had cut off any negative and trauma linked bonds and cut off all substances that I didn't necessarily need: birth control due to my attempt of celibacy, still going strong, alcohol due to me wanting to enjoy life sober and not rely on a liquefied crutch in order to be "happy" and "lit", and Gods lucid rose seeing as how my creative outlet shined more when I was high off my ass than intellectually sober.
Through the process of healing and becoming more self aware I found myself reading every day and night as well as journaling throughout the day. This became a way to pour out all conceptions while still remaining clear and unblocked.
Across this affair I became inclined and lost in music, it made up of my background, books which each taught me new fundamentals involving my being: Atomic Habits, What a Time to be Alone, The 48 Laws of Power, and The 4 Agreements as well as the continuous of The Alchemist, These were books that truly helped me along my journey.
The Alchemist and I have a funny history. I previously talked about my fascination with wattpad books and one in particular led me to this very book, a book centered amongst finding one's personal legend and realizing that in order to get to where you need to be, you must first encounter difficulty and a plentiful amount of moments centered within change.
The main character found himself entering an unexpected journey involving finding himself. He went to many locations and met many people who either: altered his mindset, changed his mentality, or were overall spiritual guides of help who pushed him forward towards the next levels in his life.
It was this book that pushed me to Isolate and discover myself. It led me to realizing the changes that needed to be made involving my surroundings be it location or people; it led to the transfer application I submitted within Prairie View A & M. It's how I realized with 100% certainty that my time at Southern was up and had in fact prepared me for everything I needed for what was to come next in my life.
During this time I changed majors from business to psychology, realized that my true ideal dream job was psychology centered within children; most adulthood trauma is linked to childhood misfortune or trauma linked encounters. I began working as a behavioral therapist, grew accustumed to the major I loved, realized my dream, and had a better Idea of what needed to be done in order to achieve just that. I became more disciplined, ambitious, and standardized.
The Alchemist helped me to understand that sometimes seclusion from others is not necessarily a negative thing, but one of benefit.
At times I believed myself to be disconnected from my domain and on those occasions I did things to wake myself up rather than become involved with others to fulfill a momentary dissatisfaction.
I would do things to motivate me to keep moving rather than partake in things just because. These were the days I would: resort to the river and just listen to music and journal, take my camera and go downtown, or may even turn on a series and allow myself to tune in while being lazily reposeful.
Doing this brought upon the realization that being busy may seem fulfilling but doing something just to say you are doing it does not always instill purpose. I had to realize that sometimes doing nothing was perfectly fine, That in doing this was the best time to lay down and truly either A) listen to yourself through the stillness, or B) practice turning your mind off while continuing the inner strength of being okay and surrounded in only your presence while finding comfort within yourself.
By obtaining and keeping these things consistent I found myself flourishing within life. I had a groove. 6am pilates, 2 client sessions a day falling between 8am to 6pm, journaling, reading, self reflection, meal prepping, etc. I will admit to being a person who tends to get anxious super easily. I don’t stress, I don't worry, but I do get anxious and replay everything while trying to figure out what I need to prepare for next. I work best on a schedule and tend to prepare myself days before arranged plans.
I love being prepared, but it was this weekend itself I could have never been prepared for. The Alchemist itself specifically talks about tests; how the universe will test you to see if you've truly learned and if you are truly ready for what's next. How it will test you to see if you're now more capable then where you once stood before. And boy oh boy was I tested. On the outside looking in this may be funny but as someone who lived through it, I can truly say this was the scariest experience I've encountered thus far.
May 14, 2022, the day before May 15, 2022. My birthday. The 14th, the day I truly believe that I looked death in the eyes.
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