A heartbreak is like Death. It consists of pain and suffering, a reminiscence of memories, and a lounging reminder of pain which serves as a reminder of someone who once was. I compare heartbreak to death not to be bitter or avenging, but to represent the slowly moving mass one must encounter to pick up and not only move on, but stride for. Stride for better days; days filled with memory and pain yet also the ability to somehow keep going no matter how dead one may feel inside.
Strifeful ridden days which consist of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
The 4 stages one masters while conquering grief.
I have never been utterly heartbroken, but I have indeed had my heart cracked a few times. The stages I encountered were of sadness, self-annoyance (with a side of depression), and acceptance. In the process of being utterly evoked with sending and receiving love, I have come to the realization that this life I live is nothing short of a merry-go-round, yet nothing has been merry until now so I will instead say short of a carousel.
A carousel with the option to hop off as it is in its circular motion, or remain seated as most become acquainted with the never-ending cycle of the finest visual and representation of life.
Many may assume that the moment we are born starts the ride and that the moment one hops off or dies is the moment it ends; yet the true illusion is that it never ends, it just reconciles in speed.
We encounter so much hell while going over bumps and hurdles which move us up and down, that the choice to hop off is easier regardless of the daunting ideal of what lies beneath.
Those who do leave, leave the remaining few to process their loss within those 4 distinct stages.
Those who remain encounter the challenges of learning to enjoy the never-ending music and pitts while attempting to process and discover the inner joy the ride may in fact hold.
The carousel may feel as if it is only going to move forever. It may also seem close to nearing a stop but even the sun never truly sets.
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Alice in Wonderland was the chosen movie of the night. I had not smoked in over a month, yet the idea of a lucid trip while watching the most lucid and creative televised cinematic movie seemed too good to pass up.
While on this lucid trip of both life and dramatics, I received an alert that my heart rate was in the 120s and that I had been unresponsive for 10 minutes. Instant panic filled my lungs while anxiousness filled my soul. The rate jumped from 120 to 140 to 170. The irony of the situation is days before I tweeted that the only thing I wanted for my birthday were flowers and in the realization that my birthday wish may indeed come true was none short of fearful and taunting.
I ended up in the emergency room that night diagnosed as tachycardia. That following morning I started my day with a walk alongside the riverbed and continued it lying in a hospital bed with heart monitors and EKGs lining my upper body. It was a moment of uncertainty, anxiousness, and bewilderment. The feeling of being alive yet also feeling like an idealized illusion. The uncertainty of actually being present in life. I felt as if I wasn't actually alive, as if I was walking around in a body that wasn't visible nor physically present in this thing called life. Unsure if I was actually seen and spoken for or if it was the memory of a holographic past subconscious.
It's a moment and a feeling I will never forget.
Looking back, the whole situation is like a movie filled with utter hysterics and so much dramatics. So much third person point of view and its criticism, yet in the moment it could not have felt any more realistic and groundbreaking than that.
May 14, 2022, the day before my 20th birthday. The day I truly believe that I looked death in the eyes
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