I have been centered within the challenge of pushing myself and taxing each and everything I do. I have become obsessed with progress surrounding my current purpose. I took a trip back home for my brother's birthday and with the situations and encounters I had in the past, it was in this weekend that I realized I was truly at peace and basking in opportunities surrounding my growth. Quality time filled of laughter and jokes as well as being cuddled up with my siblings in bed and enjoying the time stilled moments without any complaints or misery. Jokes centered around our parents with the steady flow of tears soaking our faces and laughter filtering within the room. My momma whose steady approach and purpose, was to enter the room in awe while snapping these moments before going back to my daddy and sharing the gentle remedy and reminders that their babies were all grown up. This symbolized growth due to the relationship my sister and I once stemmed from resulted in an altercation last year in a Nola hotel room, (what a day) yet there we remained hours before, at an adult comedy show laughing and basking in someone else’s memories and stories.
My childhood home is a reminder of my past, of my mistakes and accomplishments. Of once held goals and cycles as well as reminders of the thickening internal expansion centered within my progress.
I am a person of memories. Pictured memories, videoed memories, anything involving capsuled remedies with fresh encountered withholdings. In my childhood bedroom I have two bulletin panels which hold pictures throughout junior/senior year of high school, pictures which serve as a reminder of not who I once was, but of my internal person and her growth. I Also have a tote which started off as a shoebox and grew into a sea of memories, it includes: birthday cards, medals, ribbons, tickets, letters, my first pair of ballet and tap shoes, A piece of my Halloween costume from my freshman year in college, my graduation itinerary, and other keepsakes over my lifespan which hold a gentle reminder of my existence.
I found myself lying in bed the night before I was destined to head back to BR scrolling through my camera roll favorites. Pictures dating back to 2018, a series of stories passing through time from my high school days to the beginning of college and a true visual of my much-needed glow up. The whiteness was very evident, but the shift was clear. The shift in me attempting to discover myself, clear attempts at what was new and what was not. It became very evident, amazingly fast, when I knew who I was and what was of me. Clothing wise, makeup wise, hair wise, the overall look quota and style. The nostalgia was real, the reminders of a lifetime I served and the direct feeling I remembered of those moments.
One included a video from last Christmas (2021) and of me surprising my family. I could smell the air as if I were reliving that day in its reality, I could feel the energy and the liveliness, the anxiousness, and the tightness. It served as a look back on the time of where I once was, the period of loss, and confusion, of hopelessness. It served as a reminder that tough times do not last, but the breeding of a tough person does.
As the memories began to get closer to the present time the change became very evident on screen. I found myself saying “I look so good and peaceful there” only to look at the date and see that it was from April 2022, the start of this healing journey. As the pictures started to decrease the evident energy and joy increased. I found myself growing extremely emotional due to the progress which did not start this year but started throughout my final years at home.
Change does not begin one day with the thought “I need to do/be different.” Change starts with the evolution of our previous status and thoughts. My change started when I began putting my wants first in high school by venturing off the path from sports and focusing on the path of a future businessperson. My change started when I began making decisions for a future I was not aware of, one which is 67% different from the one I envisioned. Different in career, persona, company, and in status. The atmosphere I contained introduced me to the person I was changing into.
Change is not always bad, it is in fact is exceptional to finding the pathway and steppingstones to a fruitful and abundant life, one of courage, peace, alterations, and success. Change is needed for each stage of life.
The person I was back then needed a few alterations to be the fortunate and efficient person in which I am today. Our past may not define us, but our past does shape us. The decisions we allow and accept to take place and flourish are decisions that shape us for both bad and good. The change we allow to take place within these decisions may be the change we need to venture into a life we may have always envisioned but was not ready to master.
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