As a little girl most of the love I was showered with stemmed from my relationship with my family. We were all once extremely close and tight nit. Late night sleepovers with my cousins at either my nannies, my Mamaw or big Mamaw. Late nights consisted of the cousins watching either WWE while wrestling, the newest produced Disney movie, or of us just being kids while having the time of our lives in the presence of one another. So many moments I lived in and never understood how they would later turn into memories. So much laughter and banter, hot meals, and hidden cussing.
The clearest memory of all as well as my favorite consists of me and my semi older cousins at my nannies with a mattress placed on the living room floor. A queen size mattress perfectly squeezed in between the couches and directly in front of the Tv screen. A screen which housed the newly released movie Jump in featuring my then husband Corbin Bleu, and his on-screen love interest Keke Palmer. The outer scene of this included my cousins and I arguing over who he belonged to, my argument of course being more dramatized and called out compared to the others.
It is a memory that lives rent free in my head which is also housed amongst many capitalized recollections, which resemble a double-edged sword.
It is one of many moments which embody the clear understanding that no bond remains the same and either elevates or recedes with time.
It is a reminder that not only do people grow up and sometimes break apart, but a reminder that the little kid I was is still a part of this enhanced life I am portraying. If I am being honest, the main character syndrome is something I suffer from and it is brought upon by this deadpan belief that this life I am in is a depersonalized based movie, one that is most definitely for the books. It has also led to the understanding that time is an unlimited courtesy and how the person you are trying to be is far more important than the person you once were and how the older you get the more choices you find yourself engulfed within.
Choices which need decisions and decisions which produce outcomes.
The choice to separate myself from my family and friends was not easy, but the choices and decisions I found myself making were nowhere near bearable. The person I found myself becoming as well as the self-doubt I allowed to submerge was the live enactment of Alice in wonderland, and in this portrayal I was Alice and the person I was up against was no red queen or jabberwocky, but the person I had in fact become.
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