04/26/22

Dear Diary,

I must say this is very intimidating: opening to an endless quantity of people. Ones who not only shape and make up my society, but ones who are also fellow peers, family, and friends. A quantity of people who will experience the inside scoop of my most vulnerable and fragmented vehemence state surrounding love; a state of emotion which I undoubtedly believe to be the universal dialect. A state which is often described to be as sweet and succulent as honey yet even more stinging and vile like, one which is often viewed to be the connection between two forcible souls whom both intertwine such as the chakra roots lining the earth's inner core.

For this I blame the Wattpad stories regarding my personal fascination of love. Reading offered me the entrance into another world, one of realms circulating romance and belonging too; none which were the same as the first.

Tales of a girl with many hidden hall-like passages laced with persistence and vagueness yet remaining of grace and its underlined consistency of both brokenness and fragility. Emotions hidden by how she carried herself which were beautifully graceful yet still perceptible. This was usually when the stereotypical bad boy swooped in all dark and broody while “captivating many with his dark skin, broad shoulders, and sculpted like muscles". Cliche stories such as these enticing ones led me to the life I currently have as an oh so hopeless romantic.

I am a hopeless romantic who craves love stories not just from books, but also from the expected movie category filled with capsuled classics like: Titanic, Pride and Prejudice, Jason's Lyric, The Notebook, and of course the one and only "Jump In". Sue me. A hopeless romantic who lived in a love story herself. Not necessarily the conception of one, but the plantation of one.

This lifestyle has led to many short-term experiences, both traumatizing and healing.

You see I never gave anyone a chance, I have lofty expectations/standards and find myself worthy enough to never stoop or lower them. I did not date, I only flirted. I did not have sex, I only kissed . . . and a feather foot more; I believed that I only deserved the blissful and fire-like sensation of passion which I read and fantasized over as a girl. I in fact never had sex until college and even that is a story of lessons and tribulations.

Sophomore year in college I found myself in the mist of a situation where I continuously placed my self-worth and standards on a downhill pedestal to comfort the likeness of someone who did not reciprocate the wordings and effects in which I had continuously poured into them. I found myself in a corrupt situation following my emotions while displaying many which were unfamiliar to me. The biggest being internal for allowing out of character portrayals time and time again.

I spent most of this self-reflecting journey ignoring the pain which my heart spoke of on a continuous loop. The sadness it ached from. I spent so much time closing myself off and shutting down that I never knew how to decipher what it was that I truly felt.

In the process of this I learned that you will never be able to escape from your heart so it is best to open up with yourself and listen to what it has to say.

When I finally caved and listened to mine all I heard was pain and sadness. I became engulfed in the feeling of embarrassment because of how I gave someone so much control over me that I allowed my walls to plummet. All the time I spent being solid and protecting my heart yet there I sat listening to Beyonce’s ‘pretty hurts’ while singing my heart out in the Walmart parking lot.

It was not until I removed myself from my environment and closed out the world distancing myself from any and everyone, that I realized just how much I have allowed myself to lose sight of every expectation and standard I once held. It was in this that I realized all the love and reassurance I was looking for around me, I had not once poured within myself. You see so many times we find ourselves on a hunt for love like a lioness that we forget the accountabilities we must hold within ourselves; accountability to obtain and accept the fact that we are seeking something we have yet to even provide ourselves with.

This led to so many realizations and lessons for me. I became distant and soon craved being alone. I read and read until my brain felt like it was pierced 1,000 times over. I journaled daily and became more honest with myself with each stroke I penciled. I took so many walks, began so many habits, took long car rides, had many nights filled with insomnia cookies and ice cream by the river.

Music flooded my days; it became an outlet the same way solitary became my peace. I smoked and took photographs which helped my world remain still and quiet. I had a glass of wine and danced like no one could imagine. I found peace and love within myself. I found calmness and patience. I found me. Through the process of this I silenced my life filled accounts of blasting notifications.

I was so set on finding Mr. right; so focused on finding someone in need of love and care that I never stopped to find myself. The time, attention, and value I quickly offered up for everyone stopped; and that time, attention, and value was soon a reflection of me and my isolated transformation.